When Values Conflict
Is bad behavior ever a good response to bad behavior?
Illustration by Jacob Thomas
PARENTS AND CHILDREN share all sorts of things: a mailing address, DNA, common experiences, and the occasional cold or flu bug. But that doesn’t mean they always share the same values.
Though the home is where kids learn values, it doesn’t qualify as the only place they learn. Time spent at their place of worship, in Scouting, in the classroom, and on the playground also imparts values. And sometimes, those values clash with the ones their parents hold.
Conflicting values can lead to tension between parents and kids—tension that escalates when kids act on their beliefs. Scout leaders can ease this tension by helping Scouts understand how to react when their values conflict with their parents’ values.
Imagine This Scenario
Fifteen-year-old Stephen Brock and his family, who are white, have just moved from a small town in Iowa to a suburb of Chicago. As Stephen unpacks his DVDs, the doorbell rings. He answers it and comes face-to-face with a boy about his age that, by appearance, is a Muslim.
The boy introduces himself as Yusuf and says he lives down the street. Stephen doesn’t know how to react. But Yusuf seems friendly enough, so Stephen invites him in. Yusuf helps Stephen unpack boxes, and the two boys soon start chatting like old friends about their favorite movies and TV shows. How much they have in common surprises Stephen.
Things are going great until Stephen’s dad comes home. Mr. Brock demands to know who Stephen’s visitor is, ignores Yusuf when he stands up and extends his hand, and tells Stephen that the boy needs to go home because they have a lot left to unpack.
Yusuf leaves, and Stephen turns to his dad with a look of disbelief. “Why were you so rude to Yusuf?” he asks. “He was just being friendly!”
“I don’t care. I don’t want you associating with people like that.”
“Nice people?” Stephen asks in a sarcastic tone.
“No, Muslims.”
Without another word, Stephen storms into his bedroom and slams the door.
Later, Yusuf calls and invites Stephen to go see a movie with him and his friends that weekend. Despite his dad’s instructions, Stephen agrees.
Lead This Discussion
This dilemma begins with a conflict about values (Stephen’s making a Muslim friend) and escalates into a conflict about authority (Stephen’s continuing the friendship against his dad’s wishes). As you discuss the situation with your Scouts, help them consider whether two wrongs ever make a right. Begin by asking the Scouts to identify the two conflicts in the dilemma.
- Why do you think Mr. Brock reacted the way he did to Yusuf?
- Was his reaction appropriate? Why or why not? If the Scouts think his reaction was inappropriate, have them suggest other ways he could have reacted.
- Should Stephen have confronted his dad the way he did? Why or why not? How else might he have responded?
- Ask the Scouts if they’ve ever gotten angry when someone else acted in an inappropriate way. If so, did the other person’s action justify their reaction? Why or why not?
- Should Stephen tell Yusuf why his dad acted the way he did? What would be the advantages or disadvantages of doing that?
- Should Stephen go to the movie with Yusuf and his friends? Why or why not?
- Should parents have the right to decide with whom their kids hang out? Why or why not?
- Is it ever O.K. to disobey your parents? If yes, when?
- What will happen if Mr. Brock finds out about Stephen’s disobedience?
- What if Yusuf had invited Stephen to a Chicago Bulls game? To his troop meeting? To his mosque? How would that change the situation?
- What if Yusuf were African American? White? Hispanic? Jewish? Female? Would that change the situation?
- Mr. Brock wants Stephen to break off his friendship with Yusuf. Stephen chooses to continue it behind his dad’s back. Does Stephen have any other options? How might he continue the friendship without lying to his dad?
- The Scout Law includes Friendly and Obedient. In this situation, can Stephen be both? How?